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Self-Harming

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Self-Harming

Post by Taeron on Thu Apr 17, 2014 11:57 am

So, I've run into a bit of trouble. I've come to a point where I don't really know what to do. My best friend has started self-harming. I remember we had a conversation some time ago, where she said that she didn't understand why people cut their wrists and whatnot because all it did was hurt the people around them. And now here she is, doing the exact same thing. Her boyfriend at the time made her promise never to do it again - the first time she did it, it was because of something he put as his status. It made her feel unwanted,worthless, and just depressed in general.
 
After the first time she tried it, self-harming herself was becoming a habit. She found it hard to stop because it had evolved into an addiction. But up until now, she had stopped for 3-5 months. She started doing it again because of the situation she's been caught in. Let's call her Cassandra. One of her other best friends,lets' call her Kaylea, has been bullying her through a social media website. Anonymously, she has called Cassandra names like ugly,fat,worthless,emo,etc. Now, I can guarantee you that she is none of those things. But from experience, I can tell you that being called an ugly name can hurt a lot, especially when you believe it yourself. Kaylea has also made fake accounts, sending hate to herself to start drama, even when she has stated that she hates drama.

Kaylea talks crap behind all of her friends' backs, then claims that anyone who says otherwise is a liar. She does this also to her closest friends. She's two-faced...around guys, she acts fake then when she's around her friends, she's a jerk. She tries to date every single guy in her grade (good thing they caught on and quit saying yes). Whenever she's dating someone and finds another person who's better, she dumps the other person she had originally been with. But, she also had a friend to back her up - saying that people are spreading lies about her. When I first met her, I thought she was pretty cool. I'd like to think that this isn't the kind of person she actually is, but we all know that's not true.

I have given the best advice I can to Cassandra. One person can only do so much. But she feels like Kaylea was sent to Earth to ruin her life. She doesn't like cutting, but the stress and depression just hit her hard...in fact, one of the nights that she cut, she was crying all night. You may have heard of the quote,"tough times don't last, tough people do." I hope Cassandra just gets through this,instead of cutting her way through it. I have also advised her to keep being nice to Kaylea, even when she was a jerk (which she already does). Maybe one day Kaylea might realize that Cassandra could've bullied her right back, but decided not to. Revenge is a nasty thing...and I do believe it can ruin you. No matter how bad someone has been to you, that doesn't mean you fight fire with fire. You have to rise above them and show that you're not going to sink down to their level by doing the same crap to them that they did to you.

She has listened to me, but sometimes I feel like some of the stuff I say to her has no affect. She still cuts. She still cries. She's still in pain. And I can do nearly nothing about it. So, if I could get an extra opinion and advice as to what to do next,that would be very much appreciated.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Rayblon on Thu Apr 17, 2014 11:51 pm

Words are symbols of things we can't comprehend as concepts easily. They can't call her anything without using a rudimentary and generalized symbol to do it. Really, the way she's going about bullying her is crude and unrefined.

There's only one way to truly prevent further damage by bullying, you have to make her stop caring about them. One way is to offer justification that she's better than the bullies in more than just a few ways, or somehow find a way to desensitize her to it. 

There is a better, if only ephemeral solution. Introduce her to a strong social circle that she can stay in proximity with so as to better the retaliation against, and prevention of further bullying.  A social circle like this can discredit smaller groups of people and offer counselling and distraction from social issues. Cliques are an essential support system and formidable in the eyes of people attuned to them.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Taeron on Fri Apr 18, 2014 1:00 am

Cassandra and I are very close, but before she stopped being friends with Kaylea, they were also very close. Their moms are actually best friends. So, Kaylea knew lots of stuff about Cassandra and her feelings towards most things.

I cannot,however, make her stop caring about the insults. They stick to you and sometimes that's how you see yourself for a long time. All she really did was dye her hair and change her music taste, which isn't even a big deal. On some of the social media sites we use, 99% of the guys on there that we know of always tell her that's she's gorgeous,which she is, she just doesn't see it that way. She is one of the most caring and sweetest people I know and I don't see why one of her best friends would actually make her feel worthless (they were still close friends while Kaylea was doing this). But, I do try my best to take her mind off this issue and we've been talking about other things, so I guess that's a start.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Rayblon on Fri Apr 18, 2014 1:28 am

Seems like she's a sociopath then. They like to systematically toy with people's emotions and are even better at faking them and lying. By allowing it to get to her, she's allowing for her to feel a kind of deranged satisfaction. Sociopathy, however, comes in varying degrees. I myself enjoy toying with people on occasion, but for the most part my friends are off limits, and serious discussion like this is an obvious exemption.

Sociopaths and bullies share common ground: insecurity. Even though they may not show it, they're distrusting, jealous people(in more severe cases), only distinguished by their means of accomplishing their motives. They like to see how far they can go without being caught or pushed out, and are thrilled by it. I've got mild Sociopathy but I've learned to value friends over power and mindless thrill seeking. That's my diagnosis. I say avoid even eye contact and tell your friend that cutting is what she wants her to do. It gives her a convoluted sense of power over her, and encourages her to proceed. Sociopaths can quite literally drive people ( and indeed populations) to their death and I can assure you it's a tempting prospect, if not only a faint whisper for me.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Taeron on Fri Apr 18, 2014 5:55 am

Okay that's a bit creepy and messed up...
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Rayblon on Fri Apr 18, 2014 9:43 am

Trust me, I value life. It's just plain fucked up how psychology can screw you over like that. There are lots of sociopaths, but we don't know any specific numbers because sociopathy is hard to diagnose and some strains of sociopathy are unnoticeable.

I think more about what happens if I end up dying than anyone else. Death is a huge part of my subconscious I guess. I know how to bring a person to their knees(I wish I didn't), but I also know how to create social solidarity.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Taeron on Fri Apr 18, 2014 10:44 am

That depends on the person, just because you  have brought a certain number of people to their knees,doesn't mean it works on everyone. Also, a sociopath is someone who can't tell the difference between right and wrong, so I hope you're talking about Kaylea..
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Rayblon on Fri Apr 18, 2014 11:35 am

That's the dictionary definition. They're tasked with defining it in a sentence, but that doesn't offer anything of value. The dictionary definition is wrong. They understand what is seen as right and wrong, but disregard it. I'm referring to the bully though, yes.

Read this, and note that not all sociopathic characteristics will be found in any one person. Like i said earlier there are different strains and degrees of sociopathy.
http://depressiond.org/sociopath-sociopathic-personality-disorder/

Look through the sub classes of sociopathy and tell me which one fits best, we can move on from there. I suggest telling your friend what you now know. Sociopaths are dangerous people because they don't have to lift a finger to get their way. Keep her safe, Taeron.


Last edited by Rayblon on Fri Apr 18, 2014 11:49 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Taeron on Fri Apr 18, 2014 11:44 am

"characteristics that sociopaths may display are stealing, lying, lack of remorse for others and towards living beings, irresponsible behavior, impulsive behavior, drug or alcohol abuse, problems with the law, violating rights of others, aggressive behavior and much more."

I'm pretty anti-social but I don't have those characteristics, not that every person who's anti-social could possibly be a a sociopath...
Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Who knows.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Rayblon on Fri Apr 18, 2014 11:52 am

Like I said, no sociopath displays every characteristic. I suggest reading the article throgh before drawing any conclusions.

Also, there is a gender divide. Women behave differently from men but  are also more difficult to diagnose because female sociopathy is less apparent.

The key characteristic of sociopathy is  lack of empathy. She clearly lacks that, so at the very least she has conduct disorder.

Here's a really good video about antisocial disorders.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp8v4PUIr7o
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Taeron on Fri Apr 18, 2014 11:12 pm

I asked her the questions from the article and here's the answers:
1.inconsistencies between what a person says and does.
-Yes
2.excuses or subject changing when caught in a lie
-yes
3.no feeling of shame when caught an embarrassing situation
-unsure
4.going around the question, answering it in a way that doesn’t really answer it
-yes
5.ability to sense vulnerabilities and motivated in using them for personal gain or pleasure, manipulate without remorse
-unsure (I think yes)
6.seeing any social situation as a contest or a test
-yes
7.ability to understand rules & laws and judging them as a part of “the game”, but no ability for empathy or emotional understanding behind the rules
-yes
8.poorly connected speech and abundance of excuses, during speech using more hand gestures than normal. These tendencies reflect difficulty in converting thoughts and feelings into speech
-somewhat
9.repeatedly performing acts that can serve as grounds for arrest
-no
10.irritability and aggressiveness, indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
-no
11.disregard for safety of self or others
-somewhat
12.cruelty to animals
-no (that she knows of)
--------------------------------------------
Judging from these answers, I think Kaylea is most definitely a sociopath. And Cassandra has to get the heck away from her...but she did mention that she's cautious around her, but now she'll have to be extra cautious. I'm not too sure yet what type of sociopath she is. I'll have to look into that later.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Rayblon on Fri Apr 18, 2014 11:52 pm

Very nice approach to the diagnosis.

It seems like Kaylea has a social perch she's trying to defend on top of manipulating Cassandra. I propose narcissistic sociopathy, but there's information privy to you that I don't have so I can't be sure.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Taeron on Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:37 am

I think so too. Like I said before, she starts drama using fake accounts to make it seem like she's getting hate.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Rayblon on Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:46 am

You should be able to get Cassandra out of her funk a bit more easily now, too. It would be safe to say that kaylea was actually jealous of Cassandra and sought to destroy her as a result.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Taeron on Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:00 pm

Kaylea and a different friend were always copying Cassandra. The other friend would always look at what kind of clothes Cassandra was wearing and buy the exact same clothing. Then Kaylea would take away her ipod while she was listening to music, so that she could start listening to the same music that Cassandra had gotten in to.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Rayblon on Sat Apr 19, 2014 9:21 pm

Seems to fit the bio of that kind of sociopath. Attaching to someone they think is more socially stable than them.
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Re: Self-Harming

Post by Taeron on Sun Apr 20, 2014 2:24 am

Yeah, the other friend was very attached to Cassandra.Like whenever I was around her, she'd be like,"I get special privileges because I'm her best friend." And then she was also copying Cassandra and dressed up exactly like her. It's kind of annoying,really. There is such a thing as being original..
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